Introduction
There are times in all our lives when we do not feel good about ourselves, which affects our confidence and self-esteem.
But when low self-esteem becomes an established long-term pattern, it can start to affect our mental health and the lives of those close to us. In many cases it is linked to self-doubt, shame and feelings of inadequacy, creating additional problems such as depression and anxiety.
But what is self-esteem and what causes it? And how can therapy help? To give you a better understanding, in this article, I explain where it can come from and what can be done about it.
What Is Self Esteem?
Self esteem is how we perceive and value ourselves. It is also sometimes referred to as self-confidence. Because it is a self-reflective feeling, it is shaped by the opinions and beliefs we have about ourselves, which can be entrenched and difficult to change.
If you have low self-esteem, you may see yourself in a negative and critical light, which can also affect other areas of your life.
For example, it can impact how you interact with friends, family and work colleagues and also feed a cycle of increasing unhappiness and frustration.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem?
In most cases, low self-esteem begins in childhood. As children, there is a natural instinct to be loved by the people who care for us. However, because love is given in two forms, how it is delivered can have a direct impact on the way we view ourselves.
When we are given conditional love, it means we will only receive the love we need if we do what other people expect of us.
Conditional love can be displayed in many different forms by our parents, siblings, friends and teachers as we are growing up.
A daughter who is repeatedly told by their mother that they are proud of how pretty she is, or a father shouting at their son for getting a bad school report are both examples of conditional love.
What children tend to take away from these scenarios is that they need to be beautiful or achieve high academic performance for them to be valued as a person.
On the other hand, unconditional love does not have any strings attached, so we are loved for who we are.
Whilst unconditional love should be the norm, unfortunately, that is not the reality experienced by many people during their childhood.
How Does Self-Esteem Affect Our Lives?
The messages we are given by our parents and families and by society at large during our childhood deliver subconscious messages that affect our path in life.
Children who experience unconditional love learn that there are conditions of worth that must be earned to be valued.
Of course, there are instances where a person’s condition of worth can propel them to great success, using it as a fuel to exceed expectations.
But because conditions of worth are derived from other people’s dreams and expectations, rather than our own, more often than not they do not align with our talents, interests and abilities.
This ultimately affects our happiness, sense of fulfilment and self-esteem – impacting how we view ourselves, the people around us and the world in general.
How Can Therapy Help To Resolve Low Self-Esteem?
Because there is no ‘one size fits all’ style of therapy, how it can help people with low self-esteem varies, depending on the circumstances of the individual.
In a broader sense, therapy can help low self-esteem by:
- Helping to raise low levels of confidence and self-doubt in relationships and work.
- Giving you more confidence to assert yourself in life.
- Resolving feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and feeling unloved.
- Finding ways for you to accept and embrace change.
- Providing coping mechanisms to manage negative fears and thoughts.
- Offering guidance on how to avoid being drawn into unhealthy or destructive relationships.
Therapy is designed to give you insight into certain behaviours, feelings and thoughts that contribute to your low self-esteem.
Working together, you will be able to gain a deeper understanding of your past experiences and how they affect you today.
By investigating these root causes, you gain the ability to challenge and replace them with new patterns that increase self-esteem, so you can achieve more of what you want in life.
